One of my favorite holidays growing up was without a doubt St.Patty’s Day. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it had to do with one of my favorite colors being Green, or the promise of future green beers. *G* I think it’s far more likely, that I didn’t feel very lucky in the dysfuntion with which I grew up, and I loved the concept of a holiday based around luck. I wanted to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and make a wish for something different for me. I was that child and teenager that constantly dreamed of someone fixing my life. Someone waving a magic wand, and with a flick, taking away the abuse, curing me of my obesity, and giving us money, so that I could have nice clothes and do fun things. As I grew older though, I realized that there was no pot of gold, wishes, or magic wands; and I began to become bitter with life in general. Ohhh I still smiled on the outside, as I 
had always smiled to hide the pain, but inside I hated so much about myself and my life. The picture on the left in the above graphic, was taken right around my highest weight, and also right at one of the lowest points in my life. It was taken in March 2004, just about 4 months before I made the decision to stop wishing on falling stars for a magic wand to change my life. At the time I was mostly sedentary, and had no idea how much I weighed, Dr’s offices didn’t have scales that went that high in our area, but I am sure that I was somewhere around 520 lbs at that point. My time was spent on an online forum called Dragonmount, which was a fan site based around the best selling Wheel of Time books by Robert Jordan. I wasn’t able to leave my home much partially due to the sheer logistics of hauling around 500 lbs, but because I also feared not being able to take care of my 2 year old daughter, if she got away from me in an unknown situation. Living online had become the best option for me, and that’s what I did. I spent hours upon hours a day; answering posts, writing rps, creating signature pictures, talking on messanger programs, and much more. I took on leadership roles that I couldn’t persue in my real life, and put even more time in online, and less time with my daughter, who I stuck in front of the TV or left with her Dad. I was that women sitting in front of the computer eating Little Debbies and big bowls of pasta, that you see on reality shows. The people online loved me for my personality, and I had a ton of friends, many of whom I am still friends with to this day. Most of them knew how large I was, and didn’t critize me for it, ohhh I am sure they were concerned, but they didn’t stare at me or treat me like a freak of nature as people in the ‘outside’ world did. I say outside because I felt more connected to the woman online, and those people then I did to the people living within our four walls, and online had become my real world. I still went grocery shopping, visited our family, and went to the park with Jeremy and Jacque, but most of my time was spent in our home. I was horribly disconnected with the world outside, constantly feeling like I was trapped inside my body, but also living in a state of denial, and unwilling to change. It was such a strange time for me and for our family.
So when my group within Dragonmount started talking about doing a holiday themed gift exchange, I jumped right on board, and began to organize it. Our first exchange was a St.Patty’s or Green themed exchange and I was super excited about it. My time was partially spent shopping, making items, and planning it, as well as mailing it out. I had promised the friend that sent it that I would take a picture of myself with the gifts. Frustration battled within me as I got ready to take the picture of myself in a shamrock headpiece. I didn’t want to take the picture and hated how I looked in the mirror before we took this shot. After taking the picture I posted it with the others we took and then didn’t look at it for a long time. To say I am so glad that my friend Joni elicited that picture doesn’t quite cover my emotions, I will forever be grateful for it. This picture has absolutely become a symbol of where I was at the time, and where I never want to be again. I look at it, and I see so much pain in my eyes and in my smile. This was one of the darkest times in my
life and to say I was unhappy is an understatement. I was suicidal and suffering from severe depression in March of 2004. During the months surrounding this picture, I can vividly remember driving down the road, and contemplating just driving my car off a steep embankment and ending it all. The only thing that stopped me at that time was the little girl in the backseat. I rarely drove anywhere without Jacque or Jeremy in the car with me, and I refused to take her life with mine. I was so depressed that I didn’t see how my killing myself would effect those I loved. How hard it would be for her to grow up without her Mom, or how my husband would feel that I had taken my own life rather then fight for our family and myself. I just saw that I hated myself and felt that the world would be better off without me. I wasn’t worth saving, and didn’t feel like I could save myself, at least that’s what I told myself. It’s funny how Jacque saved me in so many ways, for it was the vision of her beautiful little face that I held in my head as I stepped on the scale the first time, and saw a weight of 509.6 lbs. It was Jacque that I used to motivate myself, as I struggled to move my massive legs down the street. I would also later use the picture of myself in that shamrock headband to motivate myself to keep going.
Nearly every year since 2004, I have taken a picture of myself in that shamrock head piece that I hated so much. Each year, as I pull it out I struggle with my emotions. Remembering that sad and worthless feeling woman is heartbreaking for me. I no longer hate myself, and I no longer am living just for Jacque. I’m living for myself, for my family who missed so much, and for everyone else out there that has struggled with the same issues as I have. Who felt or feels worthless, and believes it would be better to end it all. Everyone who thinks that they aren’t worth saving, worth protecting, or worth love. Those abused souls who want to give up and believe that it can’t be done. I look at that picture at 500 lbs, and see more than the sad and depressed woman who hated herself. Oh no, I see a woman who would go on to lose over 300 lbs through hard work, determination, and small changes, a lady filled with absolute strength, far more then knew she had. I see a picture of a creature who would become an amazing woman, Mother, and wife. Who would complete
triathlons, and inspire people daily with her can-do attitude and positivity. A woman who would conquer her fear of dancing in the front row at Zumba class, and learn to shake it with the rest. No matter what place I was in 2004 in my own head, I am in such a better place then I was at that time. I shudder to think of all the amazing things I would have missed out on, if I had let the sadness in that picture take over my life. Each and every day for me is a gift, and I feel so lucky to be here, and to be able to take a picture of myself in that same shamrock headband. You may look at me, and see a narcissistic woman with her selfie stick who loves to post Zumba pictures of herself, but there is so much more then that. I see a woman, who is proud that she can do Zumba on a body that was once incapable of taking 10 steps without pain, and loss of breath. I see a woman who loves herself enough to take a picture and share it with the world. A woman who became obese at 5 years old, and has never until this last year, felt beatiful about herself. My eyes see in that picture, a woman who refuses to miss any more moments, and wants to share those moments with the world. A woman who hated herself in the picture on the left, but through hard work and support, has learned to love herself enough; to take a picture in that same head dress and share it with everyone. I see a woman who made many, many small changes, when the odds seemed insurmountable, and watched as those changes added up to a huge life change. Lastly, I see a sexy and happy woman who looked pretty amazing in her shamrock headpiece last night. Butterfly up and out!
