They say in every life there is a moment that inspires great change. When it’s weight related it’s often referred to as that “ah-ha” moment. My ah-ha moment came in the Summer of 2004. It came in the form of two pictures, pictures that would change my life and the life of my family; forever. I wasn’t often included in pictures, in fact I was normally the unhappy obese woman behind the camera. Secretly upset though I would never have admitted it even to myself, because I couldn’t be involved in the things I took pictures. Somehow, however, in the space of a few weeks I ended up in both of these pictures. The first was taken with my little brother Shawn, my Mom, and my Step-Dad, as my brother prepared to leave for the Air Force. The second was taken in my backyard by a friend, in this picture I am holding my nearly 3 year old daughter Jacque and my friends daughter. It is the picture above and the one that had the greatest impact on me. It was taken just days before we moved from our home in Eastern Washington to our new home in Northern Idaho. Our neighbor handed it to my husband, as he was doing the final walk-through on our old home, and he later gave it to me.
After Jeremy received that picture he handed it to me in our new apartment and I honestly stared at it in absolute shock. You see, I had always seen myself as this beautiful and much smaller woman. I can vividly remember making kissy faces at my reflection right before we moved and saying, “Dang I am sexy.” Though many considered me to be pretty I wasn’t healthy by any means. Moving to North Idaho was life changing for us in so many ways. It marked a change in my attitude that lead to me finding the courage to recognize how truly obese I had become. Seeing that picture marked my “ah-ha” moment. As I stared at it in shock it finally started to click with me what I had been denying for so long. I reached for the pictures I had just developed and took out the picture I had been roped into being in at my brothers MEP’s day. I compared the two pictures and I could see that I was easily tw0 times as large as anyone else in my family.
The tears began to stream down my face as I for the first time started to really examine what I was doing to not only myself, but also to my small daughter. You see though she wasn’t truly obese I could see the road she would head down if I allowed it. After all the exact same thing had happened to me. I began to look at all the things I was missing out on. Those moments that I could never recapture and those memories that could not be altered. I was sacrificing so much of my life and my time with her and before that moment I truly hadn’t seen it. It’s hard for me to imagine looking at that picture that I didn’t see it. The fact is, that I really didn’t believe I had a problem or could truly be that large. Not only did Jacque and Jeremy deserve better but I deserved better. I was worth more than the negative energy I was investing in myself. It would take me years to realize some of these truths but many of them are indeed the ones that helped me get started.
After seeing those pictures I thought back to a conversation I had had with my Mother-in-Law, Mary, in the months leading up to our move to Idaho. She approached me one day and said to me, “Jenny, I have been doing this program called Weight Watchers, and it is really working for me. If I paid for your membership would you be interested in joining?” Ok, I am sure there was more to it than that, but that is the basic gist of the 11-years-ago conversation in my head. At the time I was super insulted and resentful of her saying that, after all, remember that I didn’t believe I needed to lose the weight. I was a BBW and proud of it! At this point in time I can understand her offering as well as her concern for her daughter-in-law, but at the time I was so upset. I blew her off and continued on my cake and cookie path for months. However, the night I saw those pictures, I remembered that conversation. I mulled it over for a few days. I talked to my friends at my brand new job and I considered what I wanted to do. Was I ready to try a “diet” for the first time in my life?
Several days after seeing that picture I picked up the phone and made yet another one of the hardest decisions to date. I asked for help, and help came. Mary helped with everything, she found out the meeting times and paid for 10 weeks worth of meetings. We had just moved to a new state and Weight Watchers was not something we could afford at the time. Her generosity is something for which I will always be thankful. She also took time out of her life to meet me at the meeting in Coeur d’Alene instead of her own city. Honestly, driving to that meeting was one of the hardest things for me. I was scared to death and had visions of being put on a scale in a room full of people while being ridiculed for my obesity. Let’s just say I nearly turned the car around multiple times during the 3 mile drive from my home. I did make it to that meeting and boy am I ever glad that I did.
As I said, Mary, met me there and walked in with me. I was so nervous and thought for sure I was going to be ill all over someone’s shoes. I had never done any kind of “diet” program and had no idea how WW’s worked. Although my Mom had lost 50 lbs on it when I was 9 years old, I just remembered her scale and the scent of liver in the air. Whew, so glad I didn’t join during those days! Anyway, back to the story. I was immediately taken under the wing of the leader who would go on to become one of my main cheerleaders. Someone that I am blessed to call, friend. She took me to the scale and explained how everything would work. My fears of being ridiculed were unfounded. It was totally private, my weight was never mentioned by anyone. That day, I nodded my head and took a deep breath, as I stepped onto the scale for the first time in many years. The digital read out blinked multiple times, and I have to admit I thought I had broken the scale.
509.6 lbs glared at me and I stared at it in utter disbelief. I think I must have stood there in shock for some time until something happened inside of me. I looked at that number and I felt the beginning of belief in myself and the start of the motivation that was to come. After all, I had not yet seen a more stark example of how far I had let myself go; 509. 6 lbs! I took that next step, and asked my leader how to get started. She explained a few things for me and invited me to stay for the Getting Started session at the end of the meeting. I sat through most of that session, staring at 509.6 in my weigh in book. I was easily twice as large as anyone else there. My thighs and rear hung out on either side of the chair and I was hugely self -conscious. I remember that I could not make eye contact while I held back the tears with a valiant effort. There are many moments that stand out for me at the first meeting. The feel of Mary next to me, occasionally putting a comforting hand on mine. The sound of Michele’s voice as she talked about that weeks topic, which was what kept us motivated. I can still remember her saying, “What motivates you. Why are you here?” For the first time I gained courage and raised my hand. I cleared my throat and then said, “I am here so that I can get healthy and be able to play on the floor with my little girl.” My motivation wasn’t, and isn’t, getting into a bikini or a size 4 pair of jeans. It was being able to get down on the ground and play with my child in a way I had not been able. It was being healthy for her and Jeremy. I didn’t start out doing this for myself but the desire to do it for myself would eventually come. So that’s the very start of my journey as well as the start of the journey on my new blog. Come along with me and I will share what it’s like to lose more weight than many people weigh, as well as the neat things we are doing!